My Grandma Ray

My maternal grandmother passed away on May 28, 2014. While she had been hurting for many years due to an automobile accident about 15+ years ago, and a series of other physical ailments, she seemed in good spirits when she called me just a few weeks ago. She doesn't call often, but when I see the Fort Scott, Kansas number on my caller ID I always answer. She said she knew my birthday was in May, but she couldn't remember when it was. I said that's ok grandma, I'm so glad you called. She said, "You should be happy I remembered it was in May at all, I don't do birthdays anymore." :) She always gave us a card with money for our birthday and only in the past few years stopped sending it. I found out fairly recently that she always used her own money, a bank account she had separate from my grandpa with her retirement and money from her mom, instead of the joint account.

I flew to Fort Scott for the funeral, along with all of my siblings, Matty's wife Alexis and my parents. It was a sad reason that brought us to Kansas, but it was great being all together. I think it was the first time since we have had kids that we were all together and could really talk without the distractions of changing diapers and chasing toddlers. It was nice - I hope we get to plan something like that again soon.

The first day we met at Grandpa Bobby's house and picked up my mom - she had flown out a few days before. We went to the funeral home to see Grandma and it was nice to have some quiet time before the funeral the next day. She looked beautiful. My mom mentioned her hands a few times - that her hands still looked just the same and that hands can be so familiar to us. I kept waiting for her to sit up and say, "Mary!!" and be her old self again. She was a sassy, quick-witted lady who made you feel so good about yourself. We walked around Fort Scott for a second - most things are closed on Sundays so we went back to Grandpas and had a family dinner with all the cousins. Most of them live about 6 hours away in McKinney, Texas so we had just about all of our cousins there.

We got to go through old photos and I took a few to remember her by - I need to look through my old photos as well. When asked why he first dated Grandma, Grandpa said she was a doll then and she is a doll now. She was a very beautiful woman - she always reminded us that people thought she was Doris Day. :)

Grandma and her brother William Durflinger, who was killed as a young man in the war

Grandma told my cousin Shelai just a few weeks ago that she was a daddy's girl and she could feel him around her. She was ready to see him again and that made her happy. 

I was asked to share some memories of my grandma as part of the eulogy my Uncle John gave. I knew I would be very emotional, and I typically avoid situations where I may cry in public, but I knew I had to say yes. I asked my siblings to share some of their memories with me since I was representing them as well and I wanted to write down some of what I shared. 

There is a famous story in our family of the time my brother Kenny called Grandma Ray and he said, "Hi Grandma, do you know who this is?" She paused for a bit so Kenny said, "It's your favorite grandson!" Without missing a beat, Grandma said, "Adam!!!" What Kenny didn't know was that the favorite spot was already taken by me... 

Even though Grandma may have not recognized Kenny's voice that day, the fact remains that he, along with the rest of us grand kids, felt we were her favorite. She was very smart that way - she would take us aside and whisper in our ear, "I love you the best - don't tell the others." I blame my inflated self-esteem on her - she thought I was so smart and beautiful and she told me so almost every time I saw her. She called me Princess - probably the only person on the planet who would think to do that, and the only person from whom it would sound sincere. 

As a mother, I know now that how you spend your time is a sign of your priorities. Grandma wanted us around her and enjoyed our visits and slumber parties. She would say, "You know how to write your name right? Well, then you don't have to go to school - stay home with me!" My cousin Jace shared that she was still trying to get him to ditch work even in the past year. She would say, "Stay home with me today and we can eat some pie." :)

Our slumber parties always included drinking contraband Pepsi and Snickers bars (not allowed at home), staying up late, sleeping in and watching The Price is Right and Days of our Lives (also not allowed, which is what made it fun!). We also made sure to have plenty of makeovers, which was typically Becky, Shelai, Jenny and I taking turns doing grandma's makeup. She kept boxes and boxes of her old makeup and she would wash her face and let the next girl start over with a clean slate. She always said that we did a great job and that she looked soooo glamorous, but I know for a fact it took us years and years before we could even make a decent attempt at eye shadow and blush. 

She always wanted more blush, more pink and though I didn't like it then, I love pink now. She was ahead of her time in style - always trying to get us to wear her gold shoes, her pink lipstick and her crazy costume jewelry. (We all wore something pink to the funeral in honor of Grandma's favorite color). 

Grandma Ray made you laugh - she had some crazy sayings and funny ways to tease us. Here are just a few:

She would ask, "Do you know what your belly button is for? It's for holding salt to dip your celery in!"

At church, she told us to add the phrase "in the bathroom" after each hymn's title, which resulted in uncontrollable laughter from us cousins. "Where Can I Turn for Peace... in the bathroom!" "Til We Meet Again... in the bathroom!" We got in trouble for laughing and no one believed us that Grandma started it all!

Once she wrote our initials on the tip of our index finger and told the cousins that we now had our very own monogrammed nose pickers!

If she happened to walk past the bathroom while you were tinkling, she would say, "It's raaaaiiinning!"

We absolutely LOVED showing Grandma our cuts and injuries because she reacted so strongly - Owwwww honey!!! That is just TERRIBLE!" and she would cringe and then hug us. We almost didn't even mind getting hurt because we knew we could make Grandma cringe.

I hope these examples don't seem irreverent given the setting, but I love these crazy little things she used to do with us. We loved that an adult would be so silly!

In closing, I think my feelings for Grandma Ray can be summed up in what I wrote to her in a recent card, sent around Mother's Day this year. I told her that she made me feel amazing, that I was smart and could do anything I set my mind to. What greater gift could you give to a child than to feel loved and important? That was her gift to me.

My dad played Amazing Grace on the bagpipes at the grave site - a national cemetery for veterans and their families that was just beautiful with tall old trees, green grass and a white fence all around it. He played a few songs for the family, and then played again when we came back to dedicate the grave site, this time with just a handful of family members. He said he has played Amazing Grace many, many times but this time he got emotional.The song set a somber but sweet mood at the grave.

 I miss you Grandma! But I am so grateful that I will see you again. I am happy that you aren't in any more pain and are free of this body that was so tired for so long. "Til we meet again... Love you!