I've Had Enough!

I have struggled with my weight ever since I wasn't playing sports every day - so basically since I went to college. I don't think I ever really learned to eat properly, or what normal portion sizes were, since I was constantly playing basketball, soccer or volleyball and burning off all my calories. In high school, I ate ice cream for breakfast more times than I can count. Now I was never the skinniest girl, but I wish I had appreciated how in shape I was at the time. Instead I was constantly wishing to lose ten pounds every summer so I could come back in the fall and surprise everyone. Yeah, never happened.

Now after having 3 kids in 4+ years, I don't recognize that sporty girl who used to feel like an athlete. I had difficult pregnancies so I gave myself permission to eat anything and everything that made me feel better. My doctor said it was fine, but I'd have to lose the weight later - but I didn't care! I was so tired of throwing up that I would eat anything that would stay down - unfortunately that was hamburgers and milk shakes. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I had been more strict with my eating. But the kids were healthy, and that's all I cared about at the time. Then those same eating habits didn't magically go away - now I was nursing and felt as hungry as ever, just not nauseous anymore.

But lately I've had a change of heart after some not so great moments in my life. Like when I realized that a coworker who I thought was about my size is actually much smaller than I am. Or how my knees hurt after I play basketball, my only true exercise these days, and I limped around for days afterwards. Then I felt myself wanting to avoiding seeing people that I hadn't seen in a long time - I almost cancelled on some friends from high school who met up over Thanksgiving but I MADE myself go so I wouldn't turn into a hermit. And I'm so glad I went - we had a great time! Then there was our trip to Disneyland last month - I actually felt nervous when I went on the first ride - what if the seat belt didn't fit me? And I was happy to be the one taking most of the pictures rather than being in them. And this latest season of The Biggest Loser? I weigh as much or more than some of the contestants. Granted, I "carry it well" on my taller frame. But still. Depressing. And then I ran into some old pictures of me on the computer - including my work head shots from about 9 years ago - even disregarding the fact that I am almost a decade younger here, I have about 80 lbs to lose to get back to this weight. There, I said it.

I had to have the full combined power of these unpleasant experiences and thoughts to make me realize - I've had enough, and I want my body back! I think most people need to decide for themselves when they are ready to make a change in their lives - no amount of talking or convincing from others will get us in the right mind set to truly change. I'm not sure what snapped for me, maybe all of those feelings coming together just smacked me in the face and said - THIS IS NOT YOU! Change something!

So, I am. I'm eating a low carb, high protein diet and I am not eating any treats/desserts until I can control myself. If something has sugar in it naturally, or is not one of the main ingredients, I'm OK with that. Just no more marathon baking sessions and going from a pan of brownies to a plate of cookies to some ice cream during ONE week. I am 100% no doubt about it addicted to sugar. I eat treats as a reward for something good that happens to me and as a comfort when things don't go my way.

I have now been off of treats for 28 days and my cravings are starting to fade. My body is like - thank you for not abusing me anymore! I have a long way to go, but I am happy with my start. I am going to try to post every 4 weeks or so about my weight loss goals - I don't want to make my blog all about weight, but losing the pounds and gaining my confidence is a big part of my life right now. This is a long post for me, thanks for sticking with me if you're still reading. I had to get it all out there - it's sort of like now I am even more accountable because I put this goal out into the universe.

So, here are my totals for the first four weeks:

• Week 1: -8.9
• Week 2: -2.8
• Week 3: -2.0
• Week 4: -2.9

Total weight gone: 16.6 lbs!